Cover Photo by Marvin Lewis on Unsplash (adapted)
It’s not all rainbows and sunshine, but you can get through it
Seven days ago today, my wife gave birth to our beautiful son Nathan. He has turned my world completely upside down. And let me tell you straight — it has been VERY tough. This article is not meant to discourage anyone from having babies, but rather to paint a realistic picture of what to expect once your baby is born. These are things I wish I knew before so that the shock would not have been so intense.
Everyone will tell you it’s not easy, but I thought I was prepared mentally for it. I had read multiple books on pregnancy and fatherhood, as well as watched tons of videos on taking care of babies. The reality has been quite different from what I read and watched.
Audrey and I are also very adaptable. We’ve travelled to over 50 countries, lived abroad, worked in many fields, volunteered, etc. I reinvent myself every six months or so as well. We usually can take on any challenge and fare quite well. If anything, we should have been prepared to greet Nate into this world.
The second night made it obvious we weren’t.
The second night
You’ll find tons of resources saying that the second night is hard. We thought we were prepared. By that point, the nurses had checked that our breastfeeding technique worked (they were impressed) and that everything was fine with the baby (it was).
Given that, we thought nothing could stop us.
We were so wrong.
The second night was hell. Nate was anything but calm from 8 PM to 8 AM. He cried the whole time. But “cry” doesn’t really describe it well. Let’s just say he was very angry. All he would react to was breastfeeding, which he would do constantly while screaming at the top of his lungs.
Nothing comforted him.
Needless to say, we didn’t sleep. We tried everything we read in books to comfort babies, but nothing worked. Because of that, we thought there was something seriously wrong with our baby. Nate was very strong, needy, and greedy, according to the hospital nurses.
Come 8 AM the next morning, our baby angel was back and we managed to catch a few hours of sleep. We were cleared from the hospital in the afternoon and went back home. Given how angry he had been all night, we were very afraid he’d scream the whole cab ride. It turns out, the car seat is very soothing to him.
We got home and everything was fine. He wasn’t fussy and not too needy…
Until 8 PM came around. Our “mini-thunder” was back.
The third night
Oh man, the third night! You don’t hear about that one as much but I assure you it can be hell again. The third night was even worse for us.
The worst part is that I feel completely useless at night. All he wants is my wife’s breasts. At one point during the night, he allowed me to have him on me and allowed Audrey a 30-minute rest. All-in-all, Audrey got about four hours of sleep in 96 hours since labour.
I help with the chores, cooking, changing diapers, comforting him, etc., but I’m 100 percent useless if Nate’s hungry. When I hold him and he’s hungry, he aims for the second-closest thing he can find that looks like boobs to him — my bicep… I guess that’s the most round thing on my upper body. :)
The third night was so difficult that we called back the postpartum department at the hospital. All we got was generic information that really didn’t apply in our case or that we had already tried. We called the health helpline and got better help, but still not exceptional.
Much needed help
The good thing about living in Quebec is that health care centres do home visits after birth (even during COVID time!) and we managed to get a wonderful nurse come to our home the next morning at 10 AM.
Annick, the nurse that came, changed everything. She answered all our questions, and corrected our breastfeeding technique, which the hospital said was flawless (it wasn’t). She noticed that the feeding, even though looked fine at first glance, was not entirely efficient. That explained why he was always fussy, angry, and hungry.
After Annick helped us, we had things more under control. Audrey’s nipples healed, Nate started gaining weight again, and he generally became more adaptable.
The rest of the week
Everything is not all rainbows and sunshine still. Nights are still very hard after a week. To top it off, Nate poops about 15 times a day. Same with pee. Books say it should be at least six pees and three poops a day. Because of that, we thought something was wrong with him. It turns, out, the more the better.
But here’s what I learned through all that: no baby is average.
Everything you hear about in books and articles is BS. No baby is created equal. If a baby feeds more than another, that’s okay. If they feed less than the average, it might also be okay. All babies are different and comparing them to others can only make you more miserable.
And here’s a note to all parents: it’s okay if you don’t fall in with love your baby right away. In fact, most parents don’t. The first nights can be so hard that your baby may make it hard for you to love them.
I was lucky that it took me four days to really love him. I knew what the turning point was when I found myself looking at pictures of Nate before dozing off to sleep. I’ve been doing that since. I find him so adorable and cute now. I can’t stop staring at him, especially when he’s in his “angel phase”. :)
What happens to dads during the first week
If you’re a man and reading this, here’s what I found that I hadn’t really read about.
The first is what I mentioned above — it’s okay if you don’t love your baby from the start. It turns out that most parents don’t. I’ve heard stories of parents — and especially dads — who don’t love their babies until they’re toddlers.
I cry for random reasons. Even dads get an oxytocin hormone rush after the pregnancy. I found myself crying for both happy and less happy moments. You would not see me do that normally. I do tend to get emotional for happy stuff, but rarely to the point of bursting in tears. Now, it happens. My sister-in-law told me about our nephew officially being diagnosed as autistic. When I read that, I couldn’t stop crying. I would have been sad before, but certainly not cry.
Light at the end of the tunnel
It’s only been a week, but things are getting better. Nate “wins” so regularly. We keep a “win journal” for him. He learns new things at such an impressive pace he puts me to shame.
He’s now able to sleep in his bed. He still doesn’t sleep more than 1–1.5 hours at a time, but at least he’s able to sleep not in our arms.
He skills up very quickly when it comes to “tummy time” and anything that relates to strength training.
He now doesn’t cry and scream all the time when changing his diaper.
These frequent wins make us look forward to seeing what he’s going to be able to do tomorrow and the weeks to come.
Conclusion
The first week is tough, there’s no avoiding it. Some babies are easier than others, but the thing we have to remind ourselves of as parents is that the hard moments don’t last forever. Babies change so rapidly that even just the next day, your baby is a new baby.
Things are tough, but you can do this!