Cover Image: Quality time with baby Nate!
An honest look into what made parenting extremely hard for me
Three months ago, my baby son Nathan came into this world. From day one, he couldn’t stop crying and screaming. He would sleep at most 12 hours a day when newborns are supposed to sleep 16–20 hours. Newborns should pee 6 times a day and poop at most 3 times a day. Nate pooped 12 times a day for the first 10 weeks of his life.
It has been very tough, to say the least. I previously shared my experience dealing with postpartum depression (self-diagnosed) in hopes that it would help people living the same thing.
But what if we could prevent it from happening in the first place, by having the right expectations about having a baby?
The 10 things in this article would have set the right tone for me. It’s different from what you read in books about parenthood. It’s raw and it’s real. Parenthood is hard, and we shouldn’t hide it.
There is no normal for babies
Before having Nate, I read a ton of books on the topic, both for during pregnancy and for after he was born. I kept reading about what a baby should be at a different age. I felt like this would give me an idea of what to expect so I come prepared.
So, I prepared for the average baby.
Well, I know now that there’s no such thing as an “average” baby! Every single baby on this earth is different. Sure, there are patterns, but you’ll never be able to relate to everything you read.
In fact, reading about that will may confuse you at times. There are tons of books, articles, and research that all contradict each other. It’s exhausting to try to make sense of everything. Read to be informed, but take everything with a grain of salt.
Perfection is your worse enemy
This brings me to the main cause of our problems, my wife and I. We both like to do things well in life and at work. We strive to be the best we can and have everything under control. And for most parts of our lives, we have.
Perfection is laughing at our faces right now.
You’ll never see your house clean again. Your baby won’t be the top of his age group on anything. And if he/she does, it’s 99 percent out of your control. Your cooking will suck. You’ll have to rush everything you do or you’ll break. Then again, you’ll break anyway because you won’t be able to cope with the rapid pace. At least, if you’re a perfectionist.
If you can learn to not do everything perfectly before having a baby, please do so!
Breastfeeding is freaking hard
It’s the most natural thing in the world, how hard can it really be?
It turns out, fucking hard!
When you join support groups online, the main issue always has to do with breastfeeding. Bad latch, intolerances, difficulty pumping, nipple confusion, sore nipples… the list goes on and on.
And again, a lot of this isn’t in your control, but a mom can’t help but feel like she’s failing when breastfeeding just doesn’t work. And it doesn’t help that some pro-breastfeeding moms can be elitists who will judge you if you can’t do it, completely ignoring your different context.
If you’re a pro-breastfeeding mom, please be kind to those who try hard and don’t succeed. In the end, what everyone wants is the best for their babies and that’s all that matters. That and mom’s mental health and sleep!
Core strength is very important
On TV, you see babies getting sat or being put to sleep and the baby just accepts it.
Pfft. Laughable!
It took 8 weeks for Nate to accept being in his chair. If you did anything else but have him in your arms, he’d scream on top of his lungs. And he’d do it anyway in your arms if you didn’t hold him in the exact position he wanted or at the perfect angle.
Because of that, we had to hold him very frequently. Baby carriers were a life-saver at times. But both things hurt your back, shoulders, and arms. I wasn’t particularly weak before, but I wish I had strengthened my core a little more before having Nate.
What works one day doesn’t work the next one
I mentioned the right position and angle above, but the thing is, one day a position is perfect, the next day, he wants nothing to do with it. You think you found a magic trick that always works, but it gets shattered a day or two after. A week tops.
The problem is that when you have a good day, you raise your expectations that things will go as well the next day. That’s rarely the case. Every day is completely different.
You think establishing a routine for yourself is hard, imagine establishing one for a baby! Yet, if you want your baby to eventually sleep at night, that’s exactly what you have to do.
Other people’s advice sucks
People are quick to give advice, and their advice sucks. This is largely due to my first point about “normal” babies not existing.
“I breastfed 4 babies for 12 months each and had no issues. You should be able to do it!” — Older mom
Except, my baby reacted to my wife’s milk and has a hard time latching perfectly onto her nipple. Even after cutting all dairy, soy, and cow byproducts, he still reacted. Against our will, we had to supplement with a special formula.
People will constantly tell you what you should and shouldn’t do based on their experience. My advice: don’t listen to anyone but professionals who are taking care of your baby. They are aware of your context and of the latest research on their field.
Postpartum depression hits when you least expect it
One day, everything seems to go relatively well, and then baby screams one extra time in your ear and you completely lose it. You feel like a worthless parent. You resent your baby (even though you know it’s not their fault). You hate your life. You become mechanical in the care you provide for your baby.
Or you finally succeed in pumping enough milk, only to drop it on the floor.
BAM!
You lose it.
The more exhausted you are, the more the trigger is “light”. Every little thing that’s not going well makes you cry. I’m a dad and I’ve been there. It’s not only women who get it, but involved fathers too.
I never expected my wife or me to go through that but we did.
Your best friends are those in the same situation you are in
“How’s your week been?” — Mom group facilitator
“It was fantastic. I love my baby so much. I love maternity.” — Mom 1
“My baby sleeps all the time. I get so much time to rest and catch up on Netflix. It’s great!” — Mom 2
“My daughter’s an angel. She smiles at me all the time. I love her.” — Mom 3
“My son poops all the time. He doesn’t sleep and screams of pain from drinking, when he manages to do it. #fml” — Us
Party poopers!
We try to avoid groups where everything goes perfectly. It makes us feel incapable and dislike our situation more. I never wish other people to have a hard time with their baby as well, but man does it feel good to talk about it with them!
Know who had it easy and who had it hard around you. If things go well for you, stick with those who had it easy, if things don’t go well, stick to those who had it hard.
You better be a great team with your partner before having a baby
Audrey and I have always been a great team. We’ve been together for about half our lives (for 16 years) and basically grew together. We’ve been through many obstacles and always came out stronger for it.
Having a baby tests the strength of our team. Until now, we held it together, but we know many “younger” couples who didn’t, or don’t.
Yes, having a baby will tax your couple, but you shouldn’t give up on it. Being a good team player for your partner helps everyone in the long run. You won’t have time to communicate but take it anyway. Your team is what will make you stay sane.
Failing the possibility of having a partner around, finding someone you trust and is willing to help is a life-changer. Both our moms have been indispensable during our tough times.
Power napping is the greatest skill you can learn
I’ve learned to power nap years before having a baby. Today, I realize this is the greatest skill I could have learned. Sure, babies sleep, but only for short stretches. Good luck functioning with only 2–3 hours of sleep per day!
In the beginning, I would do 3–4 power naps per day. This gave me the energy to keep going and endure the incessant screaming.
When my wife’s cousin stays at our home, she pops a melatonin pill and sleeps for 10–11 hours. And she wants a baby. She’ll be a wreck if she doesn’t change that habit first.
Learn to power nap, for your own sanity and those around you!
Everything you need to know
These are 10 of the things I wish I knew before having a baby:
There is no normal for babies
Perfection is your worst enemy
Breastfeeding is freaking hard
Core strength is very important
What works one day doesn’t work the next one
Other people’s advice sucks
Postpartum depression hits when you least expect it
Your best friends are those in the same situation you are in
You better be a great team with your partner before having a baby
Power napping is the greatest skill you can learn
I hope this helps!
You can do this!