Cover Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
Not everything you learn is created equally
In October 2017, I started learning three new skills every month. That’s a habit I was able to maintain for a little over two years, and these were some of the best moments of my life.
While most of the skills I’ve learned were put on the back-burner and will likely never be used again, others I still use daily and have drastically changed my life.
When you’re deliberate about the things you [want to] learn, it’s incredible how much you can grow.
But over the years, if you’re living like most people, you accumulate skills you never wanted in the first place. You got good at them simply because you repeated them many times. Essentially, they became a habit.
The problem is that you realize later that you have learned them, and now you can’t get rid of them.
Sounds familiar?
Before digging deeper into this article, try to come up with a list of things you’re good at but wish you weren’t.
In this article, we’ll discuss three skills that are detrimental to your happiness. Sadly, many people are [very] good at them.
*Every mind map in this article was created using MindMeister
3. Apologizing
“Apologizing when we have done something wrong is a real strength, but compulsive apologizing presents as a weakness at work and in personal relationships.” — Maja Jovanovic, Ph.D., TEDx Speaker
“I’m sorry!”
Sounds like an inoffensive thing to say, doesn’t it? It even feels like you’re doing someone a favour by apologizing to them. To a certain degree, you are. But there’s a much better alternative that’s much better both for you and for the other person:
“Thank you for…”
When you apologize to someone, you admit defeat. Most of the time, there’s no defeat to admit. When you’re a kid, you learn to apologize for the right things. As you grow up, you’ve used the word so much that you become very good at using it in the wrong circumstances.
There’s really only a single reason to apologize: you did something wrong to someone, and that was totally in your control. And I want to put a big emphasis on the word “wrong” here.
If you make a small mistake and someone points it out, thank them for pointing it out. It shows that you’re willing to fix it and that you have learned or will learn from the experience.
How to stop apologizing for everything
Summary of how to stop apologizing for everything
Install the Just Not Sorry Chrome plugin
Instead of saying: “I’m sorry,” say: “Thank you for…”
Instead of saying: “Sorry to interrupt you,” say: “I’d like to add…”
Instead of saying: “Sorry to complain,” switch it to: “Thank you for listening…”
Instead of apologizing in an email, consider saying: “Thank you for catching that…”
If you’re running a little late, instead of saying sorry, consider saying: “Thank you for waiting for me…”
For additional information, please read: How to stop saying ‘I’m sorry’ all the time — and what to say instead
2. Taking the backseat
How often do you let others lead you? How often do you feel like you’re in charge? How confident are you in making decisions on your own?
It’s so easy to be indecisive these days with all the distractions around us. Many people end up not making decisions or just leaving them for someone else to make.
The biggest issue with letting others take control of your life like that is that you start to lose confidence. You stop trusting your ability to make a good judgment call. It’s also how you start to envy other people. You see others having what you want, but you’re so used to not being in charge that the best you can do is envy them.
How many people you know are leading a happy life with low self-esteem?
Not many, right?
How to stop taking the backseat
Summary of how to stop taking the backseat
Fight your fears
Lettings others lead is often the result of your fears taking over and preventing you from making decisions. When you fight your fears, you can get back in the driver’s seat.
Learn new skills for yourself
During adulthood, you do so much for others that you forgot to learn things for yourself. Take the time to improve on something for pleasure’s sake.
Be affirmative with yourself
When you take the backseat, you tend to see yourself as inferior to others, leading to negative self-talk (more on that later). Overcome this with positive affirmations.
Know your values and act according to them
When you know what you stand for, you can finally drive. You don’t need others to tell you what is right and what is wrong for you.
See yourself as an equal to others
No matter who we’re talking about, don’t see them as superior to you as a human being. Some people may be ahead of you on some things, but that’s all it is — in time, they’re further than you. You can always catch up.
Article: The 10 Thought Habits of People with High Self-Worth
Article: Why You Compare Yourself to Other People (And How to Stop)
Say no to something you don’t feel like doing
In my opinion, nothing builds confidence more than saying no to things you don’t feel like doing. It shows you’re in the driver’s seat.
Change your environment
When all else fails, change your environment. When you’re used to letting people around you being in charge, it’s hard to flip that over. When you meet new people, you can be whoever you want to be.
1. Negative self-talk
Negative self-talk has to be the most destructive skill a lot of people have mastered. When you unlearn it and you listen to people around you after, it’s staggering the number of bad things you hear people say about themselves!
When you mess something up, there’s really no point blaming yourself, others will do that for you without you asking for it. The last thing you want is yourself piling on the blame.
We all make mistakes. Mistakes are part of life.
In fact, it’s our main means to learn things. It’s easy to see that by observing babies and children. Oh, the mistakes they make for the sake of learning!
Yet, mistakes don’t really exist.
Humans “invented” that a “failed” experiment is a bad thing and you should feel bad about it and apologize. In nature, they’re the best teaching lessons.
In 10 Types of Negative Self-Talk (and How to Correct Them), Clinical Psychologist Nick Wignall mentions the 10 most common types of negative self-talk:
Mind Reading: assuming we understand what other people are thinking without any real evidence.
Overgeneralization: the habit of telling ourselves that a negative event is bound to continue happening in the future.
Magnification: when we take our own errors or flaws and exaggerate them.
Minimization: being dismissive of our strengths and positive qualities.
Emotional Reasoning: the habit of making decisions based on how we feel rather than what we value.
Black and White Thinking: the tendency to evaluate things exclusively in terms of extreme categories.
Personalization: assuming excessive amounts of responsibility, especially for things that are mostly or entirely outside our control.
Fortune Telling: the mental habit of predicting what will happen based on little or no real evidence.
Labeling: the habit of describing ourselves or others in one extreme way, usually negatively.
Should Statements: we use them to try and motivate ourselves by always telling ourselves what we should and should not do.
Do you recognize yourself in any of the above?
How to stop negative self-talk
Additional reading: Cognitive Restructuring: The Complete Guide to Changing Negative Thinking, by Nick Wignall
Cognitive Restructuring:
Summary of how to use Cognitive Restructuring to stop negative self-talk.
Hit the pause button: Did you catch yourself saying something negative about yourself?
Identify the trigger: What caused you to think negatively about yourself?
Notice your automatic thoughts: What did you spontaneously think?
Identify your emotional reaction and note how intense it is: How did you react and how intense was that reaction?
Generate alternative thoughts: How could you react to similar situations going forward?
Re-rate the intensity of your emotional response: Go back to step 4. How was your intensity, based on the alternative thoughts you now have?
Conclusion
Apologizing only for the right reasons, taking charge of your life, and talking positively about yourself — these are the skills you should learn instead.
When you replace the skills in this article with these new skills, you grow more confident and start thriving again. The more effective you are in unlearning these top three skills, the faster you’ll lead a happy life.
You can do this!