25 sub-skills that will make you more charismatic

Charismatic is probably not the word people would have used a few years back to describe me. I wasn’t particularly smiley, friendly, confident or energetic. I was shy. I was introverted. I’d work in the corner and not talk to people. Social settings would put me completely out of my comfort zone.

If any of that resonates with you, read on.

In this article, I’ll show you, in details how I approached charisma in a different way and got much better at it. And the best part is — it only took me a month.

When people think about charisma, they don’t think about it as a skill they can learn. That’s a mistake. Charisma is something I’ve deliberately built over the course of a month and it has changed my life in positive ways.

How can it change your life?

A highly charismatic person has a positive influence on other people. They get people to collaborate with them in win-win situations. They are selfless and trustworthy. Others are attracted to them and want to work with them.

As I worked on my charisma, I realized more people started saying “yes” to me. When asking for deals and discounts, I started getting better deals than I even asked for. People started asking me “how can I help?” all the time.

How can you learn it?

There’s a lot involved in charisma when you view it from a “skill” angle. I’ve divided it in into three categories with a total of 25 sub-skills.

1. Communication

This is the biggest one of the three. Here’s a list of everything you should think about to improve your charisma when it comes to communication:

Listen more than you talk

This is potentially the most impactful part of becoming more charismatic. Truly listen, that’s what a charismatic person does.

*Most of the other tips below derive from being a better listener.

Ask questions more than you offer advice

A charismatic person asks a lot more questions than they give advice. They know they don’t have all the answers, and even if they did, they know it’s more impactful to guide the other person to figure out the answers for themselves. If you find yourself giving a lot of advice without being asked, stop yourself and start asking questions instead.

Don’t practice selective hearing

This is more common than you’d expect. Basically everyone does it to some degree. A lot of times when we listen to people, we hear only what we want to hear, that is, things we want to add on or contradict. We pass judgement without having received the full picture yet. It’s not easy, but learn to listen to a person’s whole point before jumping in with your perspective.

Give your full attention; put your phone away

I don’t even want to expand here. Just put your phone away when talking to someone. Give your full attention, check your phone when you’re alone.

Praise others more frequently

This is a very important point. People don’t praise other people enough. Thank people more regularly. Be grateful for what others are doing for you. People don’t have to be nice to you, so show them your gratitude.

Don’t gossip about others

If you gossip about others, others will think you’ll gossip about them. Just don’t do it.

Learn to read other people’s emotions and react accordingly

This is a pretty big skill in itself. Surprisingly, we’re not very good at reading other people’s emotions, frequently assuming the wrong feeling someone else is feeling. Google emotions and practice guessing emotions from images, you’ll be surprised how much better you can get at this.

Share stories and anecdotes — become a better storyteller

People relate to stories you tell them. The more vivid your stories are, the more interested your listener will be. This is a deep skill to learn and one named the most important skill to learn according to Warren Buffett, Winston Churchill, Barrack Obama, and more.

Use words that people can relate to

As your vocabulary increases, you’re more prone to want to use elaborate words to describe things. The problem is, you’re shutting down a lot of people by doing that. The real art of a charismatic person is to use the right language level for the audience they’re talking to.

Don’t think about what you’re going to respond while the other is talking

This is tough. Instead, register all the information you can in your short-term memory while the other person is speaking. Focus solely on understanding what they’re saying and try not to interpret anything.

Wait 2 seconds before responding

If you did the above, this should be easy~ish. Use these two seconds to figure out if you understood everything or not. When ready, add to the conversation by asking more questions and showing interest.

2. Mindset

Be a giver: give before receiving

Charismatic people are givers. They don’t wait to be asked before doing things. Don’t overthink this, it’s not rocket science. Give in the form of gratitude. Offer your help. Send a thoughtful message. If you walk around and find something that you know someone will appreciate, get it and give it to them without them expecting it.

Don’t act self-important

For charismatic people, it’s never about them. They’re selfless and think about the benefit of others. That doesn’t mean you should do everything for others, but you should always figure out how the other can benefit from a situation, then figure out how you would benefit next. Everything has to be a win-win.

Limit “have-to”s. Take responsibility

Charismatic people don’t do things because they have to, but rather because they want to. They don’t help you because you asked for it, they help you because they care for you. It’s their choice. Start owning your decisions, good or bad.

Be humble. Admit your own failings

In a way, ego is the opposite of charisma. Stop blaming others for your mistakes. When things go right, pass on your gratitude to the people who made it possible. If you’re a business leader and want to be more charismatic, take the blame for failures and give credit to your team for success.

Be positive and upbeat

Charismatic people are positive and energetic. They spread positive vibes and it’s contagious. Learn to drop negative words from your vocabulary. Change “sorry” for “thank you”. Sleep better and control your energy throughout the day.

Hum songs that make you happy

Humming, whistling, and singing are signs of happiness and confidence, two very important attributes of a charismatic person. Happy people hum songs, and the more they hum, the happier they get. The happier they are, the more they spread happiness to others.

Make others laugh and brighten their day

I’m not a funny guy. This is the hardest one for me. Start by figuring out what makes people smile. This usually boils down to simple, easy to relate to stories. Once you can make people smile, it will be much easier to make them laugh.

Make others perceive that you are able to make the world move around you

This is key. Charismatic people are deeply influential people. People want to collaborate with them and contribute to their cause. That’s what real influence is. To make that happen, work on altruistic projects that are bigger than yourself. Lead by example. Don’t talk, act.

3. Body

Smile more

A very simple habit I started doing is smiling on the way to work. When I find myself not smiling, I simply resume. I don’t have a large smile when walking to work, but a subtle one that makes it so when other pedestrians walk by me, they think: “he looks happy”.

Maintain eye contact

This ultimately boils down to confidence. Confident people are not afraid to maintain eye contact. For some people, this is terribly uncomfortable, but if you start with people you know very well as your family, you can get better at it with practice. This is one of these skills that you won’t learn overnight, so don’t get discouraged.

Respond non-verbality. Show more facial expressions

During the month I practised charisma, I worked hard on this one. Our body language is surprisingly more important than the words we use. Use the right body and facial expressions for the right situation. Google a list of facial expressions and try to replicate them in front of the mirror. Use your new repertoire during conversations.

Be physically comfortable. Own your style

Some articles will tell you to wear a suit if you’re a man and a nice dress if you’re a woman. I disagree. Wear what identifies you. The more you own your style, the more people will view it as charismatic. If I wore a suit, I’d feel like a fraud.

Avoid fidgeting

Did you know that fidgeting during a conversation is a sign of lower confidence? To avoid fidgeting, talk with your hands. Clasp them together when listening. Avoid caffeine and sugar as much as possible.

Power pose

When you see a charismatic person, you’ll know simply by looking at their facial expressions and posture. They power pose naturally. Some people recommend to practice power posing in the mirror and eventually it will come naturally. For me, power posing came from having increased my confidence.

Summary

Here is a recap of the 25 sub-skills or habits you can learn to raise your charisma:

*I put in bold those that had the most impact for me.

Listen more than you talk
Ask questions more than you offer advice
Don’t practice selective hearing
Give your full attention; put your phone away
Praise others more frequently
Don’t gossip about others
Learn to read other people’s emotions and react accordingly
Share stories and anecdotes — become a better storyteller
Use words that people can relate to
Don’t think about what you’re going to respond while the other is talking
Wait 2 seconds before responding
Be a giver: give before receiving
Don’t act self-important
Limit “have-to”s. Take responsibility
Be humble. Admit your own failings
Be positive and upbeat
Hum songs that make you happy
Make others laugh and brighten their day
Make others perceive that you are able to make the world move around you
Smile more
Maintain eye contact
Respond non-verbality. Show more facial expressions
Be physically comfortable. Own your style
Avoid fidgeting
Power pose

This exhaustive list is not easy to master in a short amount of time. That’s okay, you should never rush learning something as important as becoming more charismatic. Start by improving the top 5 easiest for you and move down the list as you go along.

When your whole environment around you starts to be positive, that’s when you know you’ve become more charismatic. People will praise you. People will want to help you. People will smile to you. People will want to be around you.

This is one of the most important skills I’ve learned in the past 2 years and I strongly encourage you to take it seriously, your life will be that much better for it. So put a smile on, walk like a champ, and start your journey to charisma!

You can do this.

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