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Sooner or later, they all said yes
You know what doesn’t get you a “yes” from people?
Not asking.
Why are we so afraid of getting rejected?
Getting people to say “no” to you isn’t a failure. Approval or disapproval is circumstantial. If someone says “no” to you, it could simply be that the timing is wrong.
It could also mean that you are not ready for it. Which is fine. It means it’s the right time to step up and get better, not sit or mope around.
In Brendon Burchard’s book, High Performance Habits, he mentions how “influence” is one of the six habits high performers have in common. You may not care for high performance, but you don’t want to get a series of “no”, do you?
Almost two years ago, while living in Cambodia at AngkorHub, I had my first real moments of influence. Prior to that, no one would give a damn about me and the things I had to say. And you know what? They were right, I had not worked on my influence.
For the first time then, I was surrounded by like-minded people who worked hard and found pleasure in being productive. I was co-living with people who truly cared about their projects, no matter if it was yet successful or not. As Gary Vaynerchuk says, it’s all about enjoying the process.
Until that moment, I was working at a traditional 9–5 jobs with people who viewed their job as just that, a job. But I cared. So did the founders. In some ways, that’s why I’ve always had a better relationship with company founders over other employees. They were the only ones who really cared.
Why does this all matter?
Because caring about the right things is a key part of building influence. The higher your influence, the more “yes” you’ll get.
But here’s a surprising fact about me, I’ve also mastered what Mark Mansoncalls the art of not giving a f*ck. And I don’t mean that in a selfish way. After all, becoming selfless is what led me here.
Not giving a f*ck isn’t not caring. It’s about choosing how the outcome affects you. It’s about persisting in the face of adversity.
Why are you not getting the “yes” you’ve been craving? Because you haven’t yet received enough “no”.
My influence built slowly, starting with a series of rejections.
Back in Cambodia, I started “organizing” dinner outings almost on a daily basis. Since we were all coworking/coliving there, it always felt nice to go out. Plus, being in Cambodia, even if I was dirt poor by Canadian standards, I could afford a meal. I was living on less than $10/day. I’m talking Canadian dollars here.
What I realized then is that more and more people joined. More and more people started listening to me. When came time to leave for Spain three months after, that’s when it hit me and I realized the influence I had built. I didn’t have a going-away party, I had a going-away week!
“Why did people care so much about me?”
That was my big question. All my life, I had been a nobody. When my wife and I packed our bags and became nomads, we had a decent-sized going away party in our empty apartment, but it wasn’t as authentic. People showed up more as a formality. “They’re leaving the country for years so, hey, might as well say bye before they go!”
And I used to not want kids. There’s no story I could relate more than Dan Moore’s story:
I Feel Like a Bad Person for Not Wanting Kids
But things changed shortly after arriving in Spain after Cambodia. I found a true family at The Living Room in Malaga.
My influence continued to grow.
Suddenly I realized I had something to say to the world. By that point, I had already started my approach of learning 3 new skills every month. I figured, if people are now listening to me and coming to me for advice on things, I really should start having a coherent story.
When people asked me questions, I’d be all over the place with my answers. As such, I decided to pick up the skill of storytelling.
What an important skill that turned out to be!
It’s so important that one of my old stories about it is #1 on Google if you search for “introvert storyteller”. That’s the one I’m talking about:
An Introvert’s Top Tips On How To Be A Great Storyteller
Becoming a better storyteller increased my influence. It also made me realize that not only it made me more interesting, but also that if I can influence strangers, why couldn’t I influence my own future child.
But how does one practice storytelling?
I sought out speaking engagements in coworking spaces. And it worked. But the most important decision I had made was to do it in writing, here on Medium.
Back in January 2018 is when I wrote my first real words on Medium. My sole purpose was to improve my writing and to tell stories.
Boy has this changed my life!
After 5 days, I got approached by The Startup. They wanted to publish a piece I had just written. Here it is in all its glory:
Become Happier By Recognizing And Thanking People Who Inspire You
I’m not gonna lie, I was jumping of joy.
They want to publish me????
But, but, but… I’m just me, why would they care?
What I didn’t realize then is that they wanted to publish pretty much all my articles. And I was writing one article a day, so that was a lot to publish!
When I got the news, I did what any sensible person would do and wait a few hours before replying, not to sound desperate. That strategy worked great.
After 23 days, I become a top writer in 7 categories. I couldn’t believe it. I’m just a guy. I’m no better than the other writers on Medium. I’m not smarter than them. I’m not richer than them (especially not then!).
Why did a regular guy like me gain early traction?
I didn’t realize it then but I had plenty of an unspoken currency. I had become rich in ways I had never thought about. More on that shortly.
During that month of writing one story a day, I realized my own self-improvement had been pretty phenomenal. The “me” people knew then isn’t the “me” you know now. I wrote my very personal journey here:
I Reinvent Myself Every 6 Months and So Should You
That currency came in the form of skills. Whereas I used to be a good software engineer, I had become a jack-of-all-trades.
A lot of people these days think it’s bad and they’d be dead wrong. I dig deeper into the differences between a jack-of-all-trades, a polymath, and a master here:
How I Learned 50 Skills In 18 Months, and So Can You!
I realized it’s much easier to have conversations with other people when you speak the same language. And I don’t just mean literally here, but also figuratively.
My vocabulary increased. My knowledge expanded. Suddenly, instead of having deeper conversations only when talking about software engineering and game development (my “trade”), I could hold strong conversations in a wide variety of topics.
Guess what happens when you maintain good conversations with people?
Right, you build influence!
People trust you. They feel your authenticity.
You don’t build influence by being fake.
Think about the stories you read on Medium. Which ones are your favourites? Chances are they’re the authentic stories where the author is vulnerable. It’s simple, you relate to people who share their emotions. Stories are emotions.
Emotions make us human. Heck, a machine wouldn’t give a damn about this story! Write for humans. Tell stories for humans.
Since Spain, I’ve lived in India, Colombia, and Canada. Without me even trying anymore, I got a tribe wherever I went. So much for being a shy introvert…
My outings in Colombia always ended up being a 20-people group of random people just eating out. As hard as I tried to remain low-key (I like my productivity after all!) everyone ended up knowing me at the coworking space.
When I needed help with something, all I had to do was say the word and people would come and help. I was baffled.
But it really comes down to caring. I genuinely cared about my friends there. I win, they win, it’s as simple as that.
My currency became my asset. I organized workshops for people who wanted to learn e-commerce. I took professional photos for a local traveling agency. I took professional portrait shots for people.
I did good. I was grateful. In fact, doing good and being grateful are two habits I try to practice daily.
Screenshot of my Limitless Calendar tool
The more good I did, the more influence I built.
After over a year of building my self-awareness, building my skills, doing good and being grateful, it somehow got much easier to get people to say “yes” to me.
Go figure, haha!
So, what’s up with this story’s title: “They all said ‘yes’”?
Who said “yes”? And to what?
The short answer is everyone and everything.
I stopped the excuses. I broke free of my fear of rejection. I dared do the one thing people (strangely) dread the most:
“Ask”
My good friend Brian Pennie reached out (by email) to the top CEOs in Ireland and to his surprise, they all replied.
100% success rate!! “What a wizard of email crafting”, I thought! Here’s a guy who has mastered the art of writing connection emails and whom I can learn from his vast knowledge!
So I asked him: “Brian, how did you get to connect with ALL of them?”
He said: “It’s simple, I just asked.”
What?
“I’ve asked before and never got what I wanted!”, I thought.
Why did they all reply? Surely he has to be pretty phenomenal to get top busy people to take the time to write back to him. To some degree, he is, like you and I. Like any of these CEOs.
With few exceptions, most top CEOs don’t see themselves as superior to you and I. Don’t kiss their ass when reaching out to them. A quick praise is fine, but what’s the point of your message? They hear praise all the time — it gets tiring really quickly.
Be authentic. Be original. Be you. What’s your one-line story on why you two should connect? How can you help them by connecting? Tell a good short story that will trigger their emotions. We’d be lying to ourselves if we said that we don’t react on emotions. We all do.
In Cambodia, when I asked to go out for dinner, they all said “yes”.
In Spain, when I asked for help on my businesses, they all said “yes”.
In India, when I asked to do speaking engagements, they all said “yes”.
In Colombia, when I asked to connect with people, they all said “yes”.
When I ask to connect with people on LinkedIn, they all say “yes”.
When I asked people to contribute to an ambition collaborative post on Medium, only 1 said “no”.
When I ask people to do training sessions for SkillUp Academy, they all at least reply. 80% said “yes”.
When I asked some top writer friends to collaborate on a project, again, only 1 said “no”.
Build influence, my friends. I used to not have any. It’s a habit you can improve. Take Brendon Burchard’s HighPerformanceIndicator.com test and know where you stand on your influence.
Learn to tell stories. Learn to be authentic. Learn to do good. Learn to practice gratitude. Learn to care about the right things. Learn to not give a f*ck about other things.
Genuinely care for people. Do things. Change your life. You’ve got the power.
If a regular kid from a small farm town can do it, so can you!
Stop dreading a rejection. Take it as an opportunity to learn. Be better.
Who do you want to connect with? What do you want people to say “yes” to you for? How can you make it happen?
Don’t give me a 10-page plan or I’ll shred it. What’s your story? Give me the one-liner. Perfect that story. Own it. That story is yours alone.
Care about others. How do your stories intertwine? How can you create a win-win? Remember, I win, you win.
Life isn’t about you, it’s about us. We’re only here for a brief moment of history. While some think it means that life is meaningless, I choose to give it meaning. And that meaning comes from authenticity. It comes from influence. It comes from having a tribe that, even if it exists for only a brief moment in time, can have a positive impact on people.
Want people to say “yes” to you?
Reflect on this story. Is life all about you or about others? Do you truly care enough?
Educate yourself. Build your skills. They’re your future’s currency. They will lead to you building influence. Soon enough, you’ll realize people reach out to you, thinking you’re out of reach for them.
You can do this!
Ready to Skill Up?
If you want to become more skilled and be prepared for a better tomorrow, check out SkillUp Academy.