Cover Photo: Our Grand Canyon wedding 7 years ago
After being together for 7 years, 7 months and 7 days, my wife and I took a helicopter ride from Las Vegas to the Grand Canyon to get married. It was one of the most unconventional weddings you’ll hear about.
We booked it 2 months before the wedding day. We got our rings 4 days before, and the tux and gown the day before.
To get to the site of the ceremony inside the Grand Canyon, we took a very shaky helicopter. I vomited 20 minutes before the ceremony due to motion sickness. My English was so bad at the time that I made the celebrant repeat 4–5 times during the ceremony. It doesn’t help that all I could hear was helicopters flying all around us.
My friend filmed it all. It was the worst wedding video ever filmed. Apart from fumbling on my words and the loud helicopter noises, my friend was moving around and all you could hear was either the rocks underneath his feet or the helicopters flying around. Then he accidentally put his finger on top of the microphone for 10 minutes. It went from too loud to being completely silent. Then space ran out on the phone so he had to switch phones, and he didn’t realize he had it upside down.
When you watch the video, you have to constantly lower the volume or read lips or turn your head upside down. Fantastic! :)
I tell you this story because this is what marriage is about. It’s not perfect. Things won’t go according to plan all the time, and the couples who go over that are the ones that thrive for years.
Now that we’ll have been together for 15 years (today), here are 15 lessons we learned as a couple.
1. Experiences matter way more than material things
You can bet I don’t remember the first gifts we exchanged as a young couple, but I certainly do remember key moments of our relationship, no matter how old that moment is.
People around us find it strange that we haven’t given each other gifts for over 10 years now. Our gifts are the moments we share. Quality time spent with her matters a whole lot more than any present she would give me. We understood that early on in our relationship.
The moments we shared by shaping each other into who we are today could never be replaced by materialistic things.
What is your way of showing you love your partner?
2. Being spontaneous can sometimes give a little spark
Our wedding was pretty spontaneous by most people’s standards. Our decision to travel the world for a year was pretty spontaneous too. And our decision to leave Canada indefinitely was made over a pint at a pub.
These all turn out to be amazing decisions.
In our day-to-day lives, we mostly do predictable things. “Same old, same old” is the norm. That’s boring for a long-term relationship. Spark it up, guys! Do something unexpected that you know your partner will appreciate.
When’s the last time you did something spontaneous with or for your partner?
3. Trust is the number one factor for a successful long-term relationship
I know you’ve heard this a thousand times. Likely more. Yet no one really has trust in each other. My wife and I have been apart many times during our 15 years together. She could easily find another man. She has a great positive vibe and a contagious smile, and everyone can’t help but be attracted to her.
When people ask me when she’s away: “Aren’t you afraid she’ll leave you or cheat on you?”
My short reply is: “no.”
It’s not naivety. People who truly trust each other have nothing to fear.
How much do you trust your partner?
4. Role segregation may distance you more than it brings you together
She does the cooking, I take out the trash. What kind of 70s mentality is that? How can you be united as a couple if you separate even the most mundane of things? Sure, I mostly handle the finances and cooking, and she mostly handles the cleaning, but that doesn’t mean we don’t take part in everything frequently enough.
Cook together. Clean together. Do the laundry together. It may seem mindless, but there’s no relationship to build if you’re never sharing the mindless tasks together.
How do you split the roles in your relationship?
5. Always be honest
The best example I can give you was when I was in Colombia and my wife was in the Congo. I was asked to do a boudoir photoshoot and really wanted to do it. But I wasn’t sure how my wife would react to me taking photos of another girl in various stages of undress.
Most men told me to do it and never tell my wife. Most women told me not to do it.
What would you have done in my shoes? What advice would you have told me?
I chose to be honest with her and tell her about it. It wasn’t so much asking for permission, but rather tell her how I saw it. She understood. She trusted me. She appreciated the honesty, and we became stronger for it.
I went into greater details of that story here:
How Taking Naked Photos Of Another Woman Actually Strengthened My Marriage
6. It’s completely fine if you have different hobbies or interests
Finding common hobbies or interests is a new couple’s thing. When we finish work, she likes to watch Netflix, I like to read or play video games. We’re not a weaker couple for it.
Not all your interests need to be the same. We listen to very different music, love different foods, have different friends, etc. She prefers in-person group interactions, I prefer one-on-one online interactions.
Few things we have in common in terms of interests are travelling, pubs, walks, hikes, and our desire to help others.
What hobbies do you share? What interests are different?
7. Having the same values greatly helps
She and I are not fundamentally different, even though it might seem that way at first. We are both ambitious people driven by our productive activities. Our idea of a great time together is discussing our ambitious projects over a pint at a local pub.
Our values are pretty much 100% the same. It’s hard to fight when you basically think the same.
What values do you agree and disagree with?
8. Fights don’t have to be routine
We know how we both handle confrontation. She wants to fix things NOW. I want space to cool down and think. We’re all different here. For us, we’re both extremes, yet we make it work.
I personally think that fights are not healthy in a relationship. If you trust each other and are always honest, fights are basically non-existent. Disagreements on things are definitely okay, and when resolved properly, can certainly make a couple stronger.
A couple who don’t have disagreements are likely holding back on their honesty.
How often are you fighting with your partner?
9. Marriage is the union of two people
We tried planning our wedding for almost 4 years. Given a divorce on both sides of our families and the geographical distance between them, combined with a lack of funds, it wasn’t a simple endeavour. It isn’t for any one couple, really.
As you know from the introduction, you know we didn’t take the traditional approach. We realized that all that mattered was the two of us.
We weren’t less happy by not having 200 people at our wedding. It’s okay to do it differently. We would have liked to have people around us, but ultimately that day was for us, not for others. We did a BBQ at her dad’s shortly after the wedding.
How complicated was (or will be) your wedding day? Was it about you or the attendees?
10. We all need independence
Spending 24 hours with another person every day in routine is not healthy. When we travelled around the world for a year, that wasn’t a problem since we were living incredible things together. But in the routine, it’s just not the same. It’s completely fine if you do things with other friends without your partner.
She’s more sociable than me and likes to hang out with friends and family on a regular basis. We’re completely fine not doing that together. That gives me time to catch up on my own hobbies like playing video games or doing more productive activities.
What do you do separately? How frequently do you do things separately?
11. You are in a team with your partner
We bounce ideas off of each other. We handle finances together (to some degree). We do chores together. We make big life decisions together. Personally, I love having my ideas challenged and a good partner will do that for you if you’re receptive to criticism.
We are strong separately but we are stronger together. I would have missed so many things in our year-long travels if she wasn’t with me. She would have been completely lost navigating cities without me. I’d be an emotionless jerk if it wasn’t for her. I handle most situations in a logical way and she helps me realize my emotions.
How good is your team dynamic in your couple?
12. Sex isn’t everything
We both enjoy sex, but that doesn’t mean we have to do it every day. I’m actually quite amazed at people who are able to do it incredibly frequently. We’re freaking brain dead after our work day and have to clear our minds otherwise the only thoughts we have in our minds are about work. Doesn’t make for the best sex, does it?
For me, even after all these years, remains about passion. Quality over quantity. To young couples, this may sound outrageous, but you’ll get it when you get there! :)
How frequently do you have sex? How good is it?
13. There’s no substitute for good communication
Our latest 6 months apart with barely any communication was damn hard. It’s incredible how much we evolve in only 6 months. Without frequent quality communication, it’s no surprise that couples fall apart. Remember, you’re a team, and teams communicate. They tell each other the truth, even when it hurts.
My wife swears by this book: Crucial Conversations. We recommend it to everyone.
If you can’t communicate properly, it’s okay to seek therapy as well. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you care for each other and are willing to do everything you can to thrive together.
How healthy is your communication in your couple?
14. You will become your partner
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” — Jim Rohn
If we are to believe this quote, then the number one person you probably spend the most time with is your partner. It’s not rare that my wife and I say the same thing at the same time, and sometimes with the same intonation. When take walks or drive, we notice the same things and have the same comments to say about them.
I picked up her best attributes (except her looks) and she picked up my best attributes.
If that’s not something you want, question your relationship now.
What traits have you taken from your partner?
15. There may be “better” fish out there and I don’t care
If you’re wondering how it would be with someone else, maybe you haven’t got the right partner for you. My wife isn’t perfect. But the idea of trying with someone else never crossed my mind. What we have together is as perfect as I can ever hope for.
And it’s not that I stay in the relationship for comfort, because if you know anything about me, you know I reinvent pretty everything about myself every 6 months (for better or worse for her). I also could get someone else, and it’s the same for her. We both had offers during our 15 years together :)
When you’re in a relationship, do you ever think about how it would be with someone else?
Now it’s your turn to live these magical moments. Learn the lessons, but most importantly, apply them. If what you’re looking for is a healthy long-term relationship, you can’t go wrong with the above.
You can do this!
Thanks for reading! :)